SLOUGH, ENGLAND:
No matter how studiously you have combed newborn forums and devoured door-stopper parenting books, every new mother, shortly after having been handed her baby, faces this unnerving thought: “Why did nobody warn me about this?”
As new celeb mothers Mariyam Nafees and Saboor Ali are bound to discover, the ‘this’ in question is usually the amount of sleep one can expect. For the blissfully unaware, this is the exact amount of sleep where you have to think really hard about the answers to arithmetic questions such as ‘”what is two plus two?”. New mothers – certainly the ones on their first rodeo – are also staggered by the shocking number of times these babies require feeding and changing.
But at least things like sleep and number of feeds are quantifiable entities that new mothers can in theory mentally prepare themselves for. The thing no one ever thinks to tell them, however, is that where they could once turn heads at family weddings – or look in a mirror without recoiling – they now closely resemble raccoon-like Shakespearean hags without access to a hairbrush. So for all you young mothers avoiding mirrors and wailing, “Why did nobody warn me about this!”, let us break it to you gently now: yes, you are about to enter your ugly phase. Call a spade a spade. Wave goodbye to your pregnancy glow (if indeed you were ever fortunate enough to have one whilst puking your guts out for nine months). This is the dawning of a new fashion era. With Eid dawats on the horizon, here is what you can really expect.
Shiny and dangly no more
These are sad times for those of you who wouldn’t be caught dead in public without a pair of big hoops or dangly earrings. Babies may not quite have honed their earring-grabbing skills the moment they exit the womb, but they will wise up in the blink of an eye as the months roll by. To an infant who has just learned to use her hands, a sparkly thing hanging from a maternal earlobe calls to her like the irresistible pull of a very strong magnet, the type used by physicists in particle accelerators. To a baby, an earring exists only to be yanked, and a base survival instinct dictates that you really don’t want to find out what happens when your lovely hoop meets a tiny hand. Dig out your studs for the next five years.
Speaking of all things shiny, you can also bid a sad farewell to any item of clothing featuring studded sparkly stones. This is particularly true if you have a velcro baby with an intense dislike for any form of humanity that is not you. Not only will your velcro baby shriek in pain when his skin meets your sequins, he will also shun any attention from literally anyone else in the universe, even if it is his own father. It may seem common sense for the baby to ditch you and camp with someone else whilst you are glammed up, but velcro babies are rather lacking in common sense and hold their mothers hostage with a will of iron. For the sake of your baby’s nerve endings and your ear drums, put away all shiny outfits and raid your wardrobe for anything that is smooth and painless.
Sensible footwear
When it comes to high fashion, the words ‘sensible’ and ‘footwear’ do not belong in the same sentence. However, the words ‘high fashion’ and ‘toddler’ also do not belong in the same sentence, so the outlook was never bright to begin with. Yes, this means it is time to recalibrate your shoes and kick off those heels – particularly when you have a thrill-seeking toddler by your side with a thirst for adventure.
Unlike velcro babies, many toddlers adore straying from their mothers, usually in places they should not be, such as behind the stage at a wedding, or even, if they are ambitious enough, on the stage itself. If you have mastered the art of sprinting in heels, please collect your imaginary medal and keep going. But if you birthed the type of child whose passion for exploration knows no bounds, keep those trusty flats. Your feet will thank you. No one in all of Pakistan (and probably beyond) will allow you to attend an Eid dawat or wedding in running shoes or crocs. Sparkly flat sandals are a passable alternative if you want to both chase your toddler and also not be flayed alive by your relatives or sent to fashion jail. Avoid sandals with straps – these look beautiful, but do you really want to waste time bending over and wrangling a fiddly strap into a minuscule buckle?
Easy access clothes
Nursing mothers with skilled tailors may have already incorporated well-placed buttons in their outfits for ease of access during baby-feeding time (which is a lot more than any baby book will ever tell you, sometimes even every 20 minutes). If you are opting for ready-made outfits, however, now is not the time to longingly look at form-fitting shirts that require the skills of a contortionist every time your baby needs to be fed. You are not a contortionist, nor do you have the time to even think about practising to become one. Pick out something loose that can easily accommodate a nursing baby. This does not have to be a drab tent. In a pinch you could get away with the blouse of a sari, but only if you have the time and inclination to put on a sari in the first place in your sleep-deprived state.
If you have graduated from nursing babies to wilful toddlers, a sari may not be the wisest choice. And whilst we are at it, think long and hard before you cave to the farshi shalwar trend running rampant wherever shalwars are made. If you have already put a temporary halt on heels, you may as well also avoid trip-hazard clothing during your sprinting sessions as your toddler disappears under a table up yonder.
Is it time for ugly hair?
Finally, with babies and toddlers in the mix, wearing your hair long and loose is a very questionable choice, especially in the incoming frizzy burst of humidity around the corner. Even if you have miraculously found the time to blow-dry your mane into luscious Kardashian smoothness, the minute your baby sees it, it will suffer the same fate as your dangly earrings.
With a baby in tow, you can also forget about those reels you have saved that promise to teach you how to master a French fishtail braid. Avoid any hairstyles that involve aching arms and a healthy dose of concentration. You may be able to fit in a hair session as your baby sleeps, but very few mothers would choose to spend this precious time on a fishtail braid. Best case scenario: chop off your hair, and pull it up into a ponytail or a bun. You will get through this.
#Goodbye #glamour #baby
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