Grandparents are a vital part of family life – they offer love and support to children and parents, as well as an experienced (and sometimes, different) perspective which can be helpful for adult children just starting out in parenthood.
The older generation is also single-handedly taking care of much of the UK’s childcare – often for free. Surveys have found more than half (57%) of parents with kids under 13 rely on childcare support from at least one grandparent.
They are invaluable, there’s no denying it. But sometimes they can also step on their adult children’s toes by overruling their parenting decisions – and this is when things can really blow up.
When does overstepping typically happen?
Therapist Tina Chummun told HuffPost UK that from her experience in the therapy room, “overstepping occurs in pretty much every aspect of a child’s upbringing” – from daily routine and discipline to food choices, recreational activities, toys, schooling, and even friendships.
“When grandparents override parental authority, it can lead to frustration and resentment for parents, making them feel undermined in their role,” she said.
The dynamic can be “particularly pronounced” in cultures where grandparents live in the same household as their grandchildren, said the therapist.
“Grandparents may believe they are showing love by giving children their favourite foods at all times, but quite forget that parents might have set mealtimes, in order to acclimatise the children into their family set up,” said the therapist.
“Parents might feel disempowered and resentful that their wishes are not recognised. Both parties might see themselves as ‘experts’ on the child.”
Another way grandparents commonly overstep is by ‘showing’ new parents how parenting should be done, or giving advice. This can “unwittingly questioning a couples’ competence”, which might not go down so well.
Why do grandparents overstep?
There might be a few factors at play here. Chummun, who is a member of Counselling Directory, suggested grandparents might struggle with boundaries due to their own emotional needs.
“Feelings of being unwanted or irrelevant as they age can lead them to overcompensate, asserting themselves in ways that make them feel needed but inadvertently encroaching on their child’s parental role,” she explained.
“This isn’t necessarily done with malice – it’s often unconscious. But if left unaddressed, it can be deeply disruptive.”
Money can also (unsurprisingly) play a role. “A grandparent’s financial contributions to the family can create a sense of entitlement over parenting decisions, adding another layer to their over-involvement,” she added.
Many grandparents may not realise that the young parents themselves are learning how to be a family – and that they are no longer children, Bhattacharya suggested.
“There can be two attitudes here: the first, is something along the lines of, ‘I know better because I’ve done it before, so let me show you’,” she explained.
The second is more subtle, she noted, and is “a sense of competition between the parents and grandparents, which emerges in grandparents overruling the parents’ boundaries with their children”.
How to respond when parents overstep
If you’re reading this article, you might relate to some of the themes the therapists have flagged in terms of how grandparents might overstep.
So, the big question now is: what can you do about it?
It’s likely you don’t want to fall out with your parents over this, but equally you don’t want to allow them to keep overruling your decisions where your children are concerned.
Here’s what therapists suggest…
Agree with your partner what you want for your family
First things first, you need to speak to your partner and set some clear boundaries on what you do and do not want for your family.
“Being split on how you want to raise your family can be confusing for others, since they might receive mixed messages on what boundaries are held and what happens if they are transgressed,” said Bhattacharya.
Outline the boundaries clearly
Regular, open communication is key here – and navigating these conversations requires a “balance of sensitivity, support, clarity and assertiveness”, said Chummun.
You should clearly outline what you need from your parents in their role as grandparents and where the boundaries lie.
Bhattacharya recommended sticking to: what happened (how did they overstep?), why it’s a problem and what would be helpful in future.
She also suggested it’s important to present a united front while negotiating boundaries with the grandparents. However, it’s better for the adult child to discuss directly with their parent, with their partner present.
Make sure you tell them they’re appreciated
Both therapists stress the importance of letting your parents know how much they are appreciated and valued.
“It’s important to affirm their place in the family while also making it clear that certain decisions ultimately rest with the parents,” said Chummun.
“Framing these conversations in a way that acknowledges the grandparent’s value, rather than making them feel dismissed, can help prevent defensiveness and resistance.”
Don’t be afraid to have the conversation a few times
Some people will take the feedback onboard immediately, but others may not.
“You might have to have the conversation a few times before a new behaviour is accepted and put in place. That is understandable, as you are asking someone to ‘learn’ something new,” said Bhattacharya.
Just like any relationship, it might take some work to get to where you want to be.
“Having a healthy relationship with one’s parents, grandparents, children, and grandchildren takes work. It requires mutual respect and understanding of the other’s perspective,” said the therapist.
“It requires an adult couple to be united in what they want for their relationship and their family. It asks for grandparents to recognise that their children are now independent adults, but might still need their parents, albeit differently from when they were children.
“When done well, an intergenerational family can be beneficial to everyone, especially the young children, who grow up with essential life skills, learning to navigate multiple relationships.”
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