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Marriage is a big deal – it can financially and professionally change your life. And that’s before you add in the complicating factor of kids, too.
Among straight couples, mothers seem, on average, to get a tougher deal than fathers – women have roughly five fewer leisure hours than men, according to the Office Of National Statistics (ONS).
Some women like Redditor u/No_Departure_9224 find that the way childcare and housework end up getting divided after a baby is born doesn’t align with what they agreed with their partner when they were pregnant, either.
So, we spoke to John Nachlinger, divorce lawyer and founder of Divorce Shield, about how to handle power imbalances (especially financial ones) in a relationship.
The original poster (OP) is being pressured to become a stay-at-home mum by her husband
“My husband is rich,” the poster began her entry to r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here). “Like, makes $50,000 [£39,000] a month rich.”
Before they got married, the pair agreed on three things: firstly, if she covered the 20% down payment on their home, he’d cover all other monthly expenses (including childcare).
Secondly, if (and only if) the poster quit her high-paying job after having a baby, her husband said he’d support her in building her own consultancy instead.
And thirdly, they’d get a nanny – and then outside of hired care, they’d split caring for their child equally.
But now the child has been born, the poster’s husband seems to have changed his terms.
“The issue came up when now my husband refuses to lift a finger because he’s the ‘provider,’” the poster wrote.
“He won’t do any overnights even though baby takes bottles. I am exhausted and burnt out and feel like I got bait and switched.”
He and his mother have ganged up to “bully” her into becoming a stay-at-home mother, she claimed.
The husband then said she’d be “putting the family in financial crisis” if she didn’t follow his suggestion.
“AITAH for telling them no, I will not be forced into being a SAHM?” she asked.
Financial control is a slippery slope
Divorce expert John Nachlinger said he has witnessed the impact of a spouse who makes significantly more, “and it is even more complicated when his/her wealthy family also seeks to control the family dynamics”.
He has seen a lot of “financial imbalance” in his practice, which he said can sometimes lead to financial control. This could become a problem if the poster quit her job to look after their child.
“The control typically takes the form of no access to bank accounts or credit cards. I see the wealthy spouse providing an allowance to keep their spouse dependent,” the divorce lawyer said.
“Then, if the marriage becomes unworkable, that spouse feels like they cannot even initiate divorce because they have no access to money to hire an attorney, keeping them in the bad marriage where they continue to be controlled through money.”
This can amount to “financial abuse,” he added. “It is a pattern that helps drive home the control, whether it is the intention of the wealthy spouse or not.”
Still, he said, that might not be at play in this case. “If she wants to avoid the marriage breaking down, she must be upfront that she will return to work at some point,” he shared.
“If he disagrees, she needs to consider whether this marriage is right for her.”
The divorce lawyer concluded that all married couples should consider written agreements, to ensure both parties fully understand their understanding.
Help and support:
If you, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the police. If you are not in immediate danger, you can contact:
- The Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Refuge: 0808 2000 247
- In Scotland, contact Scotland’s 24 hour Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline: 0800 027 1234
- In Northern Ireland, contact the 24 hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Helpline: 0808 802 1414
- In Wales, contact the 24 hour Life Fear Free Helpline on 0808 80 10 800.
- National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428
- Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327
- Respect helpline (for anyone worried about their own behaviour): 0808 802 0321
#Handle #Feeling #Trapped #Marriage #Money
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