DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER cheating on my girlfriend I felt so guilty I couldn’t eat or sleep. I thought I was losing my mind and swore I’d never stray again.
Now, just 12 months later, I’ve done the same again. I’m a disaster.
Last time, the guilt was unbearable so I told her what I’d done. But I know if I tell her again, there will be no second chances.
I’m a 28-year-old guy, and my girlfriend is 26. We’ve been together for two years.
A year into our relationship, I went on a lads’ weekend and got so drunk I ended up sleeping with a woman I met in a bar.
I felt so depressed after that I decided to confess. My girlfriend was devastated but said she would forgive me as we are so good together – and we’ve worked hard together to get over it.
But last weekend, my girlfriend was away, so I went to a party alone.
I drank too many shots and found myself in a bedroom with a girl who flirted with me.
She was very keen and started kissing me and taking off her clothes.
Halfway through foreplay I came to my senses and stopped, pushing her away.
I’m so angry and disappointed in myself, even though we didn’t have sex.
If I tell my girlfriend, I’m 100 per cent certain our relationship will be over.
DEIDRE SAYS: Honesty isn’t always the best policy. Telling your girlfriend will achieve nothing other than hurting her and – probably – ending your relationship.
You know you did wrong and managed to stop yourself. This shows that you have learned from last time.
On a practical level you’ll make better decisions if you booze less.
If you don’t feel you’re good enough, you need to work on your self-esteem.
Rather than talking to your girlfriend, if you need to ease your conscience, talk to a counsellor. They can also help you to work on yourself so you don’t get in to this position again.
My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, has more information on this.
It would also be helpful for you to read my pack, Can’t Be Faithful, which explains more about what makes someone repeatedly cheat, and how to get out of this habit.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
I’M COMING UP SHORT FOR WOMEN
DEAR DEIDRE: MY height – or rather the lack of it – is really getting me down.
I’m a fully-grown man of 34 who’s only reached 5ft 6in. I’m sick of the jokes and the rejection from women.
It’s affected all areas of my life. I’m sure I’ve been turned down for jobs, and my mates laugh at me, calling me “pint-sized”or saying I have a Napoleon complex.
As for women, I’m always put firmly in the friend zone.
Online dating hasn’t worked because, although I get lots of initial interest when we meet up, the women who were keen suddenly decide I’m not their cup of tea.
Society has decided only tall men are “real men”, and I hate it.
DEIDRE SAYS: Plenty of short men are successful with women. That’s because there’s something far more attractive than height or looks – confidence.
Most women are partial to a funny, kind man, who is at ease with himself.
If you radiate personality and self-assurance, women will focus less on your height.
My support pack, Raising Self-esteem, should help you to increase your confidence.
BLOKE TURNED OFF BY CURVES
DEAR DEIDRE: THE man I’m dating can’t have sex with me because I’m overweight.
He says he really likes me, but my body doesn’t turn him on. Should I walk away?
We’re both in our 50s, divorced and met at a local art class.
Over the months, we’ve grown close. We share a sense of humour.
A few weeks ago, we started dating. We’ve been out to the theatre, for dinner and to the cinema.
Sometimes, at the end of the date, I invite him back to mine for coffee.
We always kiss, but it never goes further.
I assumed it was because he was shy, or wanted to take things slowly – but then I noticed that when we’re making out he never has an erection.
Eventually, I summoned up the courage to ask if something was wrong.
He denied it at first, but then confessed the problem was I’m not his usual type because I’m much more “curvy” than his previous lovers.
He said that as much as he wanted to have sex with me, his body just wasn’t responding.
I know I’m overweight but I feel really rejected. Why date me if I’m not his type?
Now I have started to feel really self-conscious when we kiss. I wonder if I should just end it with him.
DEIDRE SAYS: His comments may be honest, but they are hurtful.
You’re not a science experiment, but a human being with needs and feelings.
Perhaps this is just an excuse, and there are other reasons for his erection issues.
My support pack, Solving Erection Problems, has more information.
Ask if he’ll see a doctor as there may be underlying health concerns.
If you want to lose weight, you should do it for you, not him.
You should follow your instinct on this.
Give him a few more weeks, then if nothing changes, it might be wise to stop dating, and just be friends with him.
I FEEL SO USED BY OLD MATE
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN an old friend asked for my help, I went out of my way to support her, but now I feel used and stupid.
I helped out in her cafe for eight months while she was ill, but when she returned I got nothing but a “Goodbye and see you around”.
I’m 65 and recently retired. My friend is 59.
Last year, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and needed to take time off for surgery.
Even though I had lots of retirement plans, I agreed.
It was meant to be for a few weeks, but I ended up staying for eight months.
When she’d recovered, she came back, and barely gave me a thank you.
I feel like a fool for being so hard-working and obliging.
DEIDRE SAYS: You did the right thing because you’re a caring person.
While you didn’t help in order to get praise, I can see why you’re feeling used.
Either be direct and spell out how you feel – let her know you were happy to help and put your plans on hold but feel taken for granted.
Or quietly put this down to experience and, in future, make sure you set boundaries.
Either way my support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help.
#felt #guilty #cheating #girlfriend #months #Ive
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