DEAR DEIDRE: A DRUNKEN night has turned my life into a living hell, after the woman I slept with accused me of rape.
I’ve now been arrested and, worse, I have lost my partner and kids.
I’m a 42-year-old man. I’ve been with my partner for ten years and we have two young children.
At Christmas, we went to a family party and I got drunk.
My partner and I had been going through a difficult time, so I was in a bad place.
Somehow, I ended up in a bedroom with my partner’s cousin, a woman of 27.
She’s always been quite flirty and we ended up having sex. Afterwards, I felt so guilty and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was a stupid mistake.
I love my partner and I was worried she would find out.
So I rang her cousin, just to apologise for doing something I shouldn’t have done, and to say, please don’t say anything to anyone.
To my surprise, she reacted nastily and said she had no idea what I was talking about.
She then denied everything, saying she was so drunk she couldn’t remember the party.
A few days later, the police turned up at my door and accused me of rape. They handcuffed me in front of my kids.
My partner was devastated. Of course, I then had to tell her the truth.
She threw me out on the street that night. She says she believes me, but she can’t live with the betrayal.
Since then, I’ve been staying at my mum’s. I can only see my children for a few hours a week.
I’m on bail, waiting to find out if I’ll be charged. I’m terrified of prison.
It’s become a waking nightmare and I’m finding it hard to keep going.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being accused of rape when you had what you believed was consensual, if unwise, sex, is clearly a huge shock.
Having sex with someone who was so drunk they weren’t capable of consent does mean intercourse would be viewed as rape.
Perhaps your partner’s cousin genuinely can’t remember, or maybe she’s trying to save her own skin. Either way, what’s important now is making sure you get support to get through this.
Contact the False Allegations Support Organisation, who will understand the issues (false-allegations.org.uk, 03335 779377).
Keep talking to your partner. This must all have been a huge shock, and she may soften towards you over time.
If you’re finding it hard to cope, do see your GP and ask about counselling and/or medication.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
THANK YOU FOR… YOU GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO LEAVE
DEAR DEIDRE: A TOXIC relationship had turned me into a shadow of former myself, when I plucked up the courage to write in.
I’d given up my family, hobbies and social life, but he was still accusing me of cheating with every man in my phone contacts and random strangers who’d glanced in my direction.
He even made me take a polygraph test!
I was so worn down that I no longer knew who I was. He’d follow me if I went to the shops, turn up at my office and refuse to leave me alone at weekends.
At 34, I thought this was my life. Desperate, I asked for advice.
You told me I was indeed in an abusive relationship, and sent me your support pack, Abusive Partners. You also advised me to contact Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk).
You didn’t tell me to leave, but said my partner wouldn’t change until he took responsibility for his behaviour, which he showed no signs of doing. Things were only likely to get worse.
I’m pleased to tell you that after reading your advice, I finally left him, and it was the best thing I ever did.
Your kind words gave me the strength I needed. Thank you.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so glad to hear you decided to leave this toxic relationship, which was taking its toll on you.
MY FRIEND WITH BENEFITS BLOKE HAS BECOME A PEST
DEAR DEIDRE: BECOMING friends with benefits with a colleague has turned out to be a huge mistake.
Now I’m in a serious relationship with the love of my life, but my FWB won’t leave me alone. I’m worried he’s going to ruin things for me.
I’m 28 and my FWB is 37. We’ve been friends for three years, ever since we started working in the same team.
Although we got on brilliantly – he was easy to talk to and we had a laugh together, and I found him attractive – I always knew he wasn’t the guy for me.
He’s too old and has a lot of baggage, including a child with his ex. So we agreed that we would be good friends who had sex occasionally, and nothing more.
Our arrangement worked well until five months ago when I met a guy online, who I quickly realised was “the one”.
We’re now in a committed relationship, and virtually living together. We’re even talking about marriage. But my FWB is constantly hanging around me, messaging and calling.
He clearly still has feelings for me, and says he hasn’t got anyone else he can confide in. Now I feel uncomfortable just being around him.
I know he’s not trying to break up my relationship, he’s genuinely just lonely, but it’s stressing me out. I don’t want to hurt him, I just need him to give me space.
DEIDRE SAYS: The problem with a FWB arrangement is that it’s rarely equal. Generally, one party has stronger feelings than the other.
It sounds like you were happy to keep things casual, while your FWB is more needy. Although you were never in a traditional relationship, you may need to “break up” with him so he gets the message.
My support pack, Ending A Relationship, should help you to do this in a kind way. If he doesn’t stop bothering you, see if you – or he – can transfer to a different team.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: MY long-distance relationship has turned sexual even though I’ve never met my lover.
We sext each other every night and I’ve fallen for him.
I’m 19 and he’s 23. We’ve been talking for six months.
He always asks if I’ve pulled when I go out. I never do because I’m not interested in other guys. But I’m sure he is having sex with other girls, and it’s killing me. What do I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You need to ask him where you stand. If he wants a full relationship, think about meeting up with him but make sure you stay safe (meet somewhere public and tell a friend where you are going).
If you get on, you can take the relationship forward. My support pack, Love Online, will be helpful to read.
CAN’T COPE WITH FRIEND ZONE
DEAR DEIDRE: THE woman I love has told me she doesn’t love me back.
She’s put me firmly in the friend zone, and I’m finding it hard to cope.
We’ve been best friends for eight years. We’re both in our early 30s. I’ve always had feelings for her, but she was in a long-term relationship, so I never made a move.
But last month, she broke up with her boyfriend.
I was there for her and let her cry on my shoulder.
Last weekend, she came round for dinner and drinks.
I had a few too many glasses of wine, which gave me the courage to tell her how I felt.
She said she’d never thought of me that way and was sorry, but she only wanted to be friends. She said she didn’t want anything to change between us.
But I’m finding that impossible. I feel heartbroken, can’t eat or sleep properly, and I can’t even concentrate at work.
Part of me thinks I should end our friendship as it will be easier. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Having unrequited love is painful. But you can’t make someone else feel something they don’t.
It would be a shame to end such an important friendship after so long.
You clearly mean a lot to each other. And the truth is, friendships tend to outlast romantic relationships.
Give yourself time to heal. Perhaps tell her you’re finding it hard and need a bit of space for a few weeks.
It will get easier. My support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart, should help.
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