Have you ever not applied for that dream job for fear of failing? Maybe you’ve hidden in the bathroom at a party because you felt so socially awkward?
Low confidence manifests in so many ways that limit various aspects of our lives. “We are born confident, and then life happens,” says self-development guru Roxie Nafousi.
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“And for whatever reason, we come to the belief that we’re not enough as we are, and we keep compounding that belief throughout our lives.”
Roxie‘s new book, Confidence: 8 Steps To Knowing Your Worth, is inspired by her own experiences. Growing up an Iraqi girl in Oxford, she was bullied and felt “ugly”.
She masked her insecurities with drink and drugs, hitting rock bottom at the end of her 20s.
But 14 years on, she’s turned her life around with the help of manifestation, and her first book, Manifest, became a huge hit with Gen Z.
“I had deep-rooted self-loathing that held me back in every area of my life,” says mum-of-one Roxie. “I thought, if I have no self-worth, no wonder I’m keeping myself stuck.
“This was the beginning of my transformation. Confidence isn’t about being the loudest in the room – it is the ability to walk into a room and walk out of it authentically and unapologetically yourself.
“It is being proud of who you are, while accepting you’re a work in progress. I feel so good having reached a place where I feel proud of who I am, and if I can, then anyone can.”
1. MASTER YOUR THOUGHTS
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Your confidence starts with what you tell yourself. “Thoughts become beliefs, and beliefs become the filter through which we view the whole world,” says Roxie.
“Changing thoughts into ones that can push us forward, rather than hold us back, is really important.” She recommends “interviewing” your thoughts as though they are on trial, presenting the opposing evidence and challenging assumptions.
Then, replace negative thoughts with positive ones by using the concept of “heckler” (your inner critic) versus “cheerleader” (your inner enthusiast).
“Visualise an inner cheerleader who can silence the heckler and give you words of encouragement you need to perform better in whatever you’re doing.
“If it feels uncomfortable, it’s clearly unfamiliar to talk to yourself with kindness. But with practice, it will become easier.”
2. ACT WITH INTENTION
Roxie says committing to actions helps with confidence by building self-respect. “You can’t really control what’s happening in your day, but you can control how you start it and how you end it,” says Roxie.
“Choose two or three practices in the morning and evening you can commit to.”
This might be stretches, skincare, reading, journalling or going for a walk. “It’s the commitment that gives you an opportunity to feel you’ve achieved something.
“It’s very powerful to do the things you say you’re going to do. It shows we care about and respect ourselves, and that we can honour our word.”
3. STOP TRYING TO BE LIKED
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If you didn’t care what people thought of you, you wouldn’t be human. But constantly seeking validation means “we’re never going to be able to be as authentic as we should be,” says Roxie.
“And if we don’t live authentically, it’s always going to feel like a part of us is hidden.” If you are someone who struggles with the idea of being unliked, Roxie says remember the four truths:
No one is thinking about you as much as you think they are.
We never really know what other people think of us, as our mind often distorts reality.
You can’t please everyone all of the time.
It’s not personal – people’s reactions to us say more about them than they do about us.
4. COMPARE DOWNWARDS
There is the famous quote: “Comparison is the thief of joy” – but Roxie says it also steals confidence.
Instead of using “upward comparison”, where we compare ourselves to those we perceive as better off, which feeds our insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, Roxie encourages “downward comparison”, where you compare yourself to those you perceive as facing more challenges or struggling in ways you aren’t.
“It is not about looking down on people, but about finding perspective on how far we’ve come,” says Roxie.
“It’s a bit like looking in the rear-view mirror during a traffic jam. Remember, your normal day is someone else’s dream.”
5. CELEBRATE YOURSELF
It can be difficult for us to blow our own trumpet, so our tendency is to downplay our achievements.
“But that feeling of pride is amazing for our confidence – it is why it is so important to be able to celebrate ourselves every day, not just the milestones,” says Roxie.
Celebrate achievements, even if privately. “Are you good at keeping the house organised or checking in on your friends?
“These are amazing qualities that are often under-celebrated, but are important and valuable.”
6. DO HARD THINGS
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The saying goes: “Nothing ever grows in the comfort zone.” Roxie explains: “Our brain wants to keep us safe. But nothing changes if nothing changes.
“So this step is really about pushing ourselves to be open to trying new things.”
Reframe nerves as excitement and visualise yourself succeeding at whatever you do outside your comfort zone. “Picture yourself feeling calm, focused and capable,” she adds.
“The more you do it and show you can, the more confident you feel. The more confident you feel, the more willing you will be to take risks.”
7. BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS
Doing things for other people can divert thoughts away from yourself. “When we have deep insecurities, it can feel very inward,” explains Roxie.
“There’s a lot of focus on how we’re coming across and what people think of us. Sometimes we just need to get out of our own heads.”
Acts of kindness have a wealth of benefits – they improve self-perception, provide a sense of accomplishment, purpose and meaning, reduce social anxiety and make us feel connected to others.
8. SHOW UP AS YOUR BEST SELF
Now you can put everything you’ve learned together and show up as your most confident self – or at least fake it till you make it.
“Our body language obviously changes how people perceive us, but it also changes how we feel about ourselves,” says Roxie.
“It is called embodied cognition effect. So it’s really important to think how you stand, walk into a room or how slowly you talk.”
The same goes for how you dress. “I recently did a wardrobe clear-out, and with every item of clothing, I’d ask: ‘Would my most confident self wear this?’ If not, it’s gone.”
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