Three words that I’ve heard a lot lately – and every time I respond: “That’s because I am.”
I haven’t slept properly since the first trimester of pregnancy, which was almost two years ago now.
Sure, my partner and I have been away on a child-free night since then but I’m breastfeeding my youngest which means, even when away from home, I’m waking up in the night with painfully-full boobs.
There are no 10am lie-ins (ahh, remember those?). Just 4am pumping sessions in strange bathrooms followed by a significant pang of hunger (breastfeeding does that) at about 6.30am.
The other night I was woken up a grand total of five times – not including my 5.30am alarm – by a teething and very sad toddler who just wanted cuddles and to feed (not for hunger, but for comfort).
Prior to that if it’s not been teething pain, it’s been gas, or allergy-related pain (she has a delayed allergy which was only recently formally diagnosed).
When I got into the shower the night after five disruptions and a 5am start, my heart felt like it was racing and my body felt… stressed. I’m usually pretty unflappable, but it’s clear to see: months of broken sleep is taking its toll.
“Sleep deprivation is not just ‘part of parenting’ – it’s a public health issue,” sleep consultant Rosey Davidson previously said in a video on Instagram.
Her comments stuck with me because she’s right: it can leave you vulnerable to illness, obesity and even a shorter life expectancy, in addition to the mental health repercussions. It can be dangerous too, prompting accidents at work and on the road.
Sleep deprivation doesn’t just affect people in the newborn stage. It affects parents long after – and even if it seems like we’ve got our shit together and we’re doing OK, we’re probably not.
Many of us are pulling our hair out behind closed doors wondering why our kids won’t sleep and if we’ll ever get a full eight hours again. Sometimes we’re just too embarrassed to say.
The stigma of having a non-sleeper isn’t helped when you find out other babies are racking up a good seven or eight hours here and there. It can leave the parents in the pits of exhaustion thinking: I’m failing.
Statistics shared exclusively with HuffPost UK by Calm revealed 89% of UK mothers reported sleep deprivation and 94% linked sleep loss to increased anxiety and depression.
The biggest disruptors to mothers’ sleep are child wake-ups (47%) and stress (45%).
More than one in four (28% of) mums said they haven’t returned to pre-baby sleep patterns, with just shy of one-quarter (hi, hello, it’s me) saying it takes up to two years to return.
It’s no wonder that 36% of mothers have taken time off work due to exhaustion. It’s no wonder people keep telling me I look tired.
Children have their own sleep struggles – teething, tummy troubles, pain, illness and bad dreams being just some of the factors behind these.
And 88% of mums said their children’s sleep affects their own.
There isn’t a simple solution
Parents are desperately trying to find answers to the problem: 55% are changing bedtime routines, 33% are adjusting diet and exercise, and 33% are using relaxation techniques like meditation, according to Calm.
Through conversations with friends and the parents I chat to in my work, one thing has become abundantly clear to me – we could always benefit from more support: from family, friends, employers, communities, social care systems.
Sleep training, where parents teach their little ones to fall asleep without their help, can also help. Rosey Davidson said it’s “a legitimate option, and it doesn’t have to mean leaving your baby to cry”.
“There are gentle, responsive ways to improve sleep that support both you and your little one,” she said. You can find out more about the different strategies here.
For those reading this and wondering whether it will ever get better – it will.
Our eldest has been sleeping pretty well (aside from a recent run of nightmares) for a couple of years now, and I am confident that our youngest will get there, too (especially once those pesky molars are through).
In the meantime, if a solid three hours of shut-eye is a distant memory for you, please know you’re not alone: you aren’t failing at parenting. So many of us are right there with you.
And if you have the village to rely on, call in those favours – you deserve it.
#Talk #Sleep #Deprivation #Mothers
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