DEAR DEIDRE: MY brother and I have always been close but since we found out that we have a half-sister, I now hardly recognise the man I grew up with.
I’m really concerned because they have started a fling together, it’s so wrong.
We’d always suspected our dad had been unfaithful to mum but it was only when our half-sister contacted me through Facebook last year that everything was confirmed.
Unfortunately Dad has advanced dementia so we can’t talk to him about our discovery.
I’m 41, my brother is 38 and our half-sister is 35.
Together, my brother and I agreed that we would meet our sister and arranged a meeting at a quiet pub.
As soon as I saw her I was struck by how similar she looked to my brother. We all got on well and started meeting up regularly.
Over time we agreed we should tell our mum about our half-sister.
Mum and dad had split over ten years earlier and like us, she’d always had a feeling Dad had cheated.
She told us she always expected more children would turn up sooner or later.
Although I liked our half-sister, I had a growing sense of unease that she and my brother were starting to flirt with each other.
Then one day I popped around to my brother’s house unannounced.
I let myself in but as I walked in and called out his name he emerged from the lounge looking guilty.
Our half-sister appeared moments later looking dishevelled and flustered.
It was so obvious they had been together, the atmosphere felt so awkward.
Later when I confronted my brother he told me it’s none of my business.
He’s said that no one needs to know they are related.
What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Close relatives who haven’t grown up together can feel a strong attraction when they meet as adults.
This is often called Genetic Sexual Attraction and is attributed to a combination of genetic similarities and the misguided desire to connect with one’s biological family.
Although, of course, that isn’t the green light for a sexual relationship.
If your brother and half-sister are being physically intimate, their relationship would be classed as incest and is against the law.
Your siblings are taking a huge risk and could go to prison if they are reported to the police.
If the rest of your family found out about their relationship, it would cause difficulties for everyone.
Talk to your brother and let him know your concerns. Suggest he gets counselling to help him overcome his feelings.
My pack on How Counselling Can Help explains more.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
I MISS MY BROTHER IN PRISON
DEAR DEIDRE: HE is my world, but I can’t see my older brother because he is in prison over 200 miles away. I miss him so much.
I’m a 16-year-old girl and live with my mum. Dad abandoned us when we were very young and we never saw him again.
I’ve looked up to my brother ever since. He says I’m the best sister ever. He’s 24.
My mum took it really badly when my dad left. I know she loves me, but my brother’s the only one who has ever really put me first.
I admit he did some terrible things – he’s inside now for burglary. Other people think he’s a nasty piece of work, but he’s always been kind to me.
He’s always encouraged me to work hard and never drink or do drugs. Some people tell me to forget all about him, saying he’ll never make anything of himself.
They constantly judge me for loving him because they only see him as a criminal.
DEIDRE SAYS: Having a loved one in prison can feel like being bereaved, with feelings of loss and grieving for the close relationship you shared.
The inability to connect with him face-to-face can be very painful.
Ignore other people. Your faith in your brother might help him stay out of trouble in the future.
Please get in contact with prisonersfamilies.org, which offers free, confidential support and advice for families who have a loved one in contact with the criminal justice system.
FEAR MY DRINK WAS SPIKED
DEAR DEIDRE: I THINK my drink was spiked because I woke up one morning to find a strange guy in my bed.
I’d been out with friends the night before but hadn’t had a great time.
I am a 25-year-old woman. I am engaged to a lovely man who is 28.
He is an engineer and is currently working away.
I wasn’t really enjoying myself being out without him so I made an excuse to my friends and left the bar early.
Getting drunk has never been my thing because I hate the feeling of being out of control.
I had had just one glass of wine and a fruit juice.
As I made my way to the cloak room, I vaguely remember a man loitering near me and then standing right by me while I put on my coat. He followed me out of the pub, offering to walk me home.
I refused his offer, saying that I was fine to go home by myself, but he was insistent.
I don’t remember anything else until I woke up with him beside me, half-naked. I have no idea how I got there.
I’m so confused and alarmed by this whole episode. I never do anything like this so it makes me think that my drink must have been spiked.
I found out later when he tracked me down on social media that we had done sexual things. I am mortified and feel physically sick. I would never hurt my fiancé like this.
He is the best in the world and I love him. I have asked this other man not to tell anyone what we did, but I am devastated.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry this happened to you. You did nothing to give him the idea you wanted sex.
This was at least sexual assault and possibly rape – and if your drink was spiked, it was drug-assisted as well.
As a priority you need to find understanding for your distress. Contact rapecrisis.org.uk (0808 802 9999) who say that someone who has been spiked cannot consent to sexual activity – no matter the circumstances.
When you are ready to reflect on this, decide if you want to report this to the police.
HOW COULD SHE DUMP ME FOR HIM?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend cheated on me with her ex, a guy that looks like Mr Potato Head. I can’t understand it, especially as I’m a male model.
I’m 28 and my girlfriend’s 26. Her ex repeatedly cheated on her before we met, getting a woman pregnant.
I knew I could make her happy and show her that not all men are liars and cheats.
I treated her like a princess. Our sex life was passionate. We had great times. Everything was brilliant.
But her ex wouldn’t let her go. He kept harassing her. She blocked him on her phone but he kept contacting her through social media.
He kept sending photos of them together to her, telling her they were meant to be together and in the next breath putting her down.
He messed with her head and I noticed she started withdrawing.
He made her feel terrible and I was powerless to help. She has recently added her ex back on social media and blocked me. Was I a rebound?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable you’re hurting but this isn’t about you but about her.
Nobody can really be responsible for making someone else happy. It has to come from within them.
Being treated badly likely feels natural, especially if her parents didn’t value her.
She can’t handle you treating her well because she’s not accustomed to it. My support pack Moving On will help you.
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