This article contains spoilers for the Last Of Us.
If you’re raising teens, you might’ve watched the first episode of The Last Of Us (season 2) with interest – and maybe even a touch of dismay.
The show gives viewers a glimpse of a fractured relationship between Joel (Pedro Pascal) and Ellie (Bella Ramsey), a pair who, while not biologically related, have established a father-daughter bond.
Throughout the episode we see how Ellie is increasingly shutting Joel out of her life and wants space, autonomy and freedom.
Meanwhile Joel is increasingly overprotective and overbearing – he tries to protect Ellie by giving indirect orders that she can’t do certain things (like not allowing her to go on recons), but she goes and does them anyway.
He also punches someone who is homophobic towards her when she kisses her best friend (turned love interest) Dina at a New Year’s party. It does not go down well.
On top of this we also know Ellie suspects Joel is lying to her about what happened five years previously, when he stopped her from being operated on (and killed) at a hospital run by The Fireflies, where he then butchered a load of people and fled. (Whew.)
Joel lost his biological daughter Sarah during the start of the zombie apocalypse so naturally, he doesn’t want that happening again.
But Ellie is not Sarah. She is also – at 19 years old – an adult.
Did it resonate with you?
Parenting is tough and perhaps more so in the teen and early adult years when kids want more independence and naturally drift apart from their parents.
This drifting might prompt parents to lean in more, to fill that void. Cue: teens getting even more pissed off.
Jenny Warwick, a BACP accredited counsellor and parenting expert, said the need for independence is a “typical, healthy and essential part of growing up”.
With father-daughter relationships in particular, therapist Heidi Soholt said “many dads will automatically jump into ‘protect’ mode, seeing danger around every corner, and feeling reluctant to let their daughters out of sight”.
If this resonates, the therapist said: “It can be helpful to try to step back from emotional thoughts and reactions, in order to stay calmer and more rational. Learn to recognise what is fear-based, catastrophic thinking, and how to reality-test thoughts.”
How to parent through it
Offering advice for parents experiencing similar battles to Ellie and Joel, Warwick said: “Your daughter isn’t rejecting you (although it can sometimes feel like it). She is working out her identity and who she is. Your daughter, therefore, needs space to make her own choices.”
Her advice for parents is to support their children by focusing more on being a source of guidance, rather than feeling a need to control. Easier said than done, we know. But if you try to control, you’re likely fighting a losing battle.
Dads might feel very emotional and even a sense of loss when their child’s world no longer revolves around them, said Soholt. They can also feel a sudden lack of control, which can trigger anxiety and over-protective behaviours.
The therapist suggested: “Try to aim for a balance between protecting and letting go. Remember that your daughter is beginning to think for herself. She will learn more from her own mistakes and should be allowed enough freedom to make some.”
Don’t lean too far the other way
While giving them space is important, it’s also crucial to stay emotionally connected.
Warwick recommended “low-pressure, casual interactions” like going for a walk or journey together or an activity you both enjoy, like gardening, to maintain this.
“These moments of connection go a long way with young people, particularly from their parents and carers (even though it might not always look like it – it means a lot!),” she said.
By respecting their privacy but staying available, you can help build closeness while letting them know you’re there for them, without you constantly having to check in, said Warwick.
“It can be a challenge,” she added, “because of course you want to keep your child safe, but try to be aware of your own anxiety.
“Before you react, pause and ask yourself: is this really about her safety, or is this my discomfort about letting go?”
Why telling teens what they can and can’t do will never work
Ellie doesn’t appreciate being told what she can and can’t do – and neither do most teenagers. I was a pretty easy teenager looking back but I still had my moments where I was explicitly told not to do something – and of course I went and did it anyway.
“No one likes being told what to do, particularly teenagers!” said Warwick.
Her advice is to “keep things open and light rather than laying down the law”.
Instead of issuing a blanket statement – like, “no way, you’re not going” – the therapist advised having a conversation around what it is that worries you because “when you explain your concerns around safety … they are less likely to be ignored”.
Soholt added that teenagers do need clear and consistent boundaries – so setting reasonable curfews and restricting time spent online is important, but so is learning to compromise.
“Teenage daughters will put every effort into pushing back if something is perceived as an order. Engaging them in discussions where they can put forward their views and rationale can be a good way to reach agreement without the fireworks,” she noted.
I am acutely aware of how terrifying the world looks for women and girls right now. But the reality is, we have to let our kids have freedom as they transition into adults.
The best we can do is to guide them and give them the information so they can stay safe.
Focus on the positive
“Try to model a calm and respectful way of communicating. If your response is always ‘no’, they’re less likely to come to you in the future,” added Warwick. The same goes for the classic response of “because I said so”, which Soholt said might provoke arguments and deceitful behaviours.
Instead, Warwick suggested something like: “I’m not comfortable with that yet; why don’t we work out a compromise?”
She added: “Make it clear that she can always come to you when she needs to, even if you disagree. It’s this safety net that will help to keep her truly safe.”
For Soholt, a top tip for parent is “to resist the temptation to fix” and instead “communicate positive messages about their ability to manage – to notice when they act more maturely”.
Not only can this help their confidence but it means they’re more likely to open up about their life, she added.
“Demanding explanations or information is not going to work with this age group. They are programmed to rebel against authority so try to minimise opportunities for them to do so!”
She concluded: “Try to remember your little girl is still in there, underneath a heap of scratchy, tricky and snappy teenage behaviour. She will be feeling as bewildered as you, and in need of a calm, steady father who she knows will always have her back.”
#Ellie #Joel #Teach #Parenting #Teens
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